End of an Era

Along this journey to Ukraine there are many things we have had to let go, or will have to let go.   This month we are letting go of something very important, and along with that comes the end of an era.  We are letting go of our foster care license.  Of course we know we can't still be state-certified foster parents while living in Ukraine, and we haven't been open to taking any kiddos since we made the decision to move our family to Ukraine, but...we still held on to our certification.  We were still foster parents. 

We ran into our certifier (our fabulous assigned "go-to" person at DHS) at the store a week or so ago.  She mentioned that she has been following our story through our blog and is excited about what God is doing in and through our fam.  Hi Judi! :)  She asked if she should just go ahead and close out our file, and we had to tell her yes.  If we were to stay certified we would have to have DHS come out and check out Luke's house, Luke would have to be fingerprinted and all that jazz.  That would all be okay, except for a promise we made to ourselves when we first started fostering.  

Back in 2006, when our foster parenting journey began, we promised ourselves if we took a child into our home we would keep them in our home, no matter what, unless someone else decided they should move.  We wouldn't give up on a child when the going got tough.  That was tested a time or two, but with God's help we kept our word.  If we were to take a child at this time I'm not sure we would be able to keep our word.  When you receive a child from DHS you never know how long they will stay with you.  Seth was supposed to be a "short placement", and here he is, 2 1/2 years later, our son for life.  :)  We plan to move in a year, so we just know we can't take any more foster kiddos at this time.  

Foster Baby #1- always extra special to us

So, I guess this is so long to an era.  Our foster parenting era has been life-changing, to put it mildly.  I've said it before and and I'll say it again, foster parenting is one of the best and definitely the most difficult thing we've ever done in our lives. (Yet!)

 It shaped our family, it grew us as people, it taught us reliance on the Lord instead of our own strength (still learning that!), it built our faith, it gave us a son.

Yes, there are problems with the foster care system.  Yes, it is tiring.  Yes, it is putting yourself out there, knowing your heart will be broken.  Yes, it is infuriating.  Yes, it is worth it.  

 

Because if you can look past the broken system and see the broken lives that God has given us, the church, to care for, it's a no-brainer. 

The children are worth it.  They are worth fighting for.  
The parents are worth it.  They are worth loving and believing in.  

 
The system is broken and it fails people every day.  That is a problem.  But the bigger problem is that God has given the responsibility of caring for these lives to His Bride, the church, and we have passed them off to the state.  People will fail.  BUT God's love never fails, and no matter who they are and what they've done or have failed to do- no one is beyond hope.  No one is beyond His grasp.  The state can't fix these lives and these broken situations, but God can.  He can mend, heal, lift up, restore- and He asks us to be His hands and feet.  


We have come to the end of our fostering journey (for now!).  As we exit stage left, I would just ask you to prayerfully consider your part in caring for the orphans in your town.  How can you be His hands and feet to the broken lives around you?  

Could you foster?
Could you give respite for a weary foster parent in the thick of it?
Could you bring a meal to a foster family?
Could you donate clothes or gently used children's gear to your local Child Welfare office?
Could you pray?

Our torch is being set down, will you take it up?  
Trust me, if we can do it, broken and human as we are, you can do it too! 

Just be prepared to never be the same.  :)

You can read more about our story of foster care here:

Foster Care Ponderings: Part 1, Our Story

Foster Care Ponderings: Part 2, Our Story

Foster Care Ponderings: Part 3, Biological Parents

We Had No Idea

 
Two years ago today we had no idea what we were in for.

It was a Sunday, I headed to the hospital to pick up a newborn foster baby. I remember the day clearly.  It's strange because there are many foster babe pick-up days I don't really remember, but I remember a lot of the details about this particular day.  I think that's a gift from the Lord.  He knew I would want to look back at that day and remember the great things HE has done.

We had received a call from DHS on the Friday before that a baby boy had been born who needed a foster family.  The mother was a meth addict and used every day during pregnancy.  Their had been no prenatal care and the baby was born addicted, so they were looking for a medical home.  I remember calling Jed to ask him about taking the baby and us both not being so sure.  We were technically "on a break" from fostering since we had just finished fostering a very sick, high needs baby and were pretty exhausted.  We were also planning to leave in just 5 days to meet Jed's family in Idaho for his grandpa's birthday and a family reunion.  Drug-addicted newborn on a road trip anyone?  All signs pointed towards us turning this baby down, but somehow we didn't.  I can't recall how we came around to a "yes" decision; that clearly was the Lord's gift to us as well.  :) 

Sunday came along and it was time to pick up the babe.  He was born at our local hospital, and interestingly enough, he was the only foster babe we've received from our local hospital.  We usually do our pick-ups in Portland.  I headed over to the hospital while Jed stayed home with the napping kiddos.  I got there a little early, called the charge nurse phone and she let me know birth mom hadn't left yet, so I needed to wait a few.  I had a coffee, my heart was beating fast.  I always get a little nervous and a lot excited before meeting a new baby.  If only I had known the journey we were about to embark on!  I think I would have been a lot more nervous, but a million times more excited!  

After a bit the charge nurse called and said mom had left so I was free to come up and meet the baby.  The sweet little bundle was in a bassinet behind the nurses station where he could be watched closely.  The first thing I noticed was his color.  YIKES!!!!  The nurses all quickly reassured me "He's bruised!"  Good gracious his face was purple!  Holy bruising batman!  Still, it was clear to everyone in the room that he was a beauty.  He had striking white blond hair that looked even more blonde next to his purple face.  I asked if his mother had named him.  "His name is Seth."  I remember being relieved.  I like the name Seth!  It's always fun to have a foster babe with a name you like.  It's like a special little bonus.  :)  The nurse that discharged Seth to me was Mary, a dear family friend who was a key figure in 2 of our biological kiddos hospital stays.  Mary was the nurse to check over Ezra right after he was born, and she was the nurse to discharge us from the hospital on Christmas day when Havalah was born.  I should have guessed right then that with Mary present, God had something special in store for us.  (Shout out to Mary Musick, RN extraordinaire!!  You rock!)  Seth was discharged to me, and home we went, kids eagerly awaiting his arrival.

Seth, on the day we met

I remember walking in our house and setting Seth's car seat down, Jed looking at him, commenting on his color.  :)  We had no idea I was introducing Jed to his son.  What would have been different in that moment if we had known?  It's funny to think back...we just had no idea.

Seth was a difficult newborn.  He was SUCH a poor feeder.  Ugh.  Meth babies are often poor feeders and Seth was the worst I've ever met.  He would suck and suck on the bottle and less than an ounce would be gone.  He simply had no coordination in his suck.  He had the shakes so he needed to be swaddled all the time.  He also reeked to high heavens. OH MY WORD.  He smelled so bad!!!  I can't even describe it.  It's like he was detoxing through his pores.  You know that lovely, fresh new baby smell?  Seth didn't have anything close to that.  He smelled nasty.  Poor little guy.  Baths didn't help.  Lotion didn't help.  It just took time, and eventually he smelled fresh.  I'd never experienced that intense of a smell with a drug-affected baby before.  Poor stinky Seffers.  :)

 

We didn't take Seth in with the intention of adopting him.  In fact, when we took Seth everyone involved thought it would be a short placement because there was family involved who wanted him.  Nothing materialized with the family members and it wasn't long into our time with Seth that we realized something was different.  Maybe it was because we didn't have any visits with his bio-parents.  They were both out of the picture from the get go, by their choice, so that felt very different from any of our other foster experiences.  We had no contact with any family at all, so from the very beginning we were Seth's whole world.  I remember when we first met one of his family members when Seth was about 5 months old.  It was at a court hearing and at that point we found out that the family member intended to adopt Seth.  It was a real shocker to us, and I think that helped us to realize how much we loved our boy.  The months that followed were full of ups and downs, triumphs and heartache.   It was some of the hardest times of our lives.  I wish I could go back in time and reassure my aching Mama Bear heart that everything would be okay, God had it all under control.  I remember several times when people in authority said it was impossible for Seth to stay with us and our friends prayed their guts out.  They prayed and they had faith when I didn't.  They held up our arms, they cried with us, they loved with us.  It was the roller coaster of a lifetime.  A roller coaster with the best ending ever.

Seth's Adoption Day!

To all of our friends who stood so close beside us during that first year and a half, THANK YOU from the bottom of our hearts for having faith when we had run out.  THANK YOU for praying, listening to our drama, and loving us.  THANK YOU for loving our Seth!!

Seth David

 
 
My Dear Sweet Baby Seth David,

Two years ago we met for the first time and I had no idea how my life was going to be changed forever.  I had no idea how much I would love you.  I had no idea how many mountains God would move to keep you in our family.  I had no idea how proud I would be to be your Mommy.



I hope you always know how much you are loved and cherished.  I could never have dreamed I would be blessed with such a treasure as you.  I love how you take out your pacifier to give me a kiss before bed.  I love how you hug Havalah when you see her crying.  I love how much you love chickens and the trampoline, trains and cars.  I love the "whoosh" sound you make when you find one of Ezra's light sabers.  I love your beautiful blue eyes and your stick-straight blonde hair.

Your name means "Chosen" and if I had to do it over I would choose you every time. 

Love, Mommy

 

Introducing....Our Son!

Seth David 

Last Wednesday, March 21st at 4:00 we went to court and Seth was legally declared our son.  Words cannot describe all the feelings that come along with that.  We have loved Seth since we first laid eyes on him.  It wasn't long before we knew we wanted to keep him forever.  There were so many tears, so many ups and downs along the process.  Many people- people with power, said it was impossible.  Evidently God has a bit more power than they.  :)

Seth at 2 days old, the first day we met

Seth, 2 months old

No longer is Seth's heritage one of addiction, abuse, and neglect.  No longer is he cast aside, unwanted.  No longer is he a ward of the state.  He is our son.  He is loved and wanted more than he will ever realize.  He now has full access to the God-fearing, Jesus-serving heritage that Jed and I have been blessed with.  That all belongs to Seth now!  We have no idea what effect his past abuses will have on him as he grows, but it doesn't matter one stinkin' bit.  He is our son and we will always love him.  We will always choose him.

Seth and Daddy, Christmas 2010

Seth and Mommy, March 2011

Christmas 2011

Spring 2012

The day they announced Seth was our son I felt different.  I told Jed that I felt like I loved him more.  Jed said "You don't love him more, you just love him without fear".  That is total truth.  As much as I loved Seth before, I know there was a bit of me that I was holding back.  I was afraid he would be taken away again, and I guess it was like a subconscious self-protection.  I didn't want to hold back, and I honestly didn't think I was, but now I know different.  I love him fully and completely now and it feels different.  It feels AMAZING.  He is my son and nothing will ever change that.  Ever.

Thank you Jesus for the gift of our boy.  He was plucked out, chosen, for a reason.  I can't wait to see what You have in store for him.  :)

Our Family on Seth's Adoption Day

Foster Care Ponderings: Part 3, Biological Parents

Here's where things can get sticky.  You've got this beautiful foster baby in your home and all you want to do is cuddle, squeeze, and love on this baby till all is made right.  You've filled out mountains of paperwork, you've made it through hours of training, you've told complete strangers every detail of your life,  and now you are finally getting to do what you actually signed up for: take care of a child in need.  

Then you get a phone call. 

It's time to set up visits.  Visits?  Oh, that's right....this baby belongs to someone else.  

 I don't know about you, but I think one of the last things I thought about when we signed up to become foster parents was the birth parents.  It wasn't that I felt they didn't matter, duh, they brought the child into this world.  I guess I just didn't think much about our interactions with them, nor did I realize the major role they would play in our lives.  You simply can't foster well and remove yourselves from the birth parents (unless there are safety concerns, but that's another story altogether).  It just doesn't work that way.  The birth parents are a critical piece of the fostering puzzle.

We've had many different scenarios with birth parents through our times of fostering.  We've had great times...and not so great times.  One birth parent became a true friend and remains a friend to this day.  I love her.  Even though we don't see each other often she will always be special to us.  We shared a very vulnerable time together; she entrusted her baby to us and we loved her baby with the knowledge she would never truly be ours.  There was mutual respect there and a real love.  That was incredibly special and amazing.

I remember one time I went to the hospital to meet one of our foster babes with extremely high medical needs.  He had been hospitalized for several months and was due to be discharged later that week.  I had to go up to the hospital to meet with specialists to make sure we were clear on all the different things he would require at home, and to make sure we were up for it.  I was also going to meet the mommy.  I always feel a little nervous before first meeting the birth parents.  I don't want the mommy to look at me as the bad guy- but how can she not?  Here I am, taking away her baby- a stand-in mommy.  Ugh.  It's not a good feeling.  I remember going to the nurses station and saying who I was, and why I was there.  The nurse replied that the mom was waiting in the room and wanted the nurse to accompany me to the room.  "She's very nervous to meet you." 

We entered the room and I saw the mommy cuddling her babe.  I saw the fear in her eyes and I melted.  Yes, she'd made some poor decisions.  Yes, she'd been selfish.  Yes, she was at fault.  I still melted.  We chatted, I asked her questions about her son.  I asked her what he liked and disliked.  I asked her how he went to sleep best and if he liked to be rocked.  Sure, I knew he'd spent most of his life in the hospital with nurses caring for him and not her.  Still I asked.  She was, after all, his mommy.  That meant something.  

Some may disagree, but I'm convinced that very few parents actually want to harm their children.  Yes, there are some people that abuse with intent to harm.  I get that, and I'm not excusing that or talking about that.  I choose to believe though, that those are the minority.  Many of the birth parents I know of, and have encountered really do love their children, yet they are caught in a cycle that does not allow for them to act on that love in a healthy way.  Often that cycle is one of addiction.  Addiction is a horrible beast.  It takes over everything.  It becomes the most important thing.  It rules your life.  It makes you someone you are not.  Sometimes they are caught in a cycle of abuse and/or extreme dysfunction.  Their parents, their parents' parents, and so on and so on have lived in such dysfunction that they honestly don't know what anything close to "normal" is.  They have no clue what healthy relationships look like.  They have no idea about true love- true unselfish love that puts others first.  They have never had a good role model.  Honestly, when a person is raised up in a cycle of generations of abuse and dysfunction, what do we expect? 

Most of you know we are nearing the end of the process of adopting our foster son.  It's almost final!  We've never met his birth parents.  I know a lot about his birth mother's story though, and I tell you what, if I was in her same situation, if I had the life she's been given, I'm not so sure I would be much different.  From the very beginning she was almost doomed to fail.  All the odds were against her and she didn't beat them.  She wasn't that amazing success story of soaring above your situation.  She has done exactly what you would expect with the situations she's been given.  Now sure, she's made some pretty rotten decisions.  Sure, she's responsible for how she's responded to life.  I am not excusing her or saying she deserves to have her children with her.  I'm just saying, it's pretty easy for me to point the finger and judge her for losing her son....but when I step back and think of the cycle she was born into it makes me pause, and I have a bit of a change of heart.

I hope I'm getting my point across here.  I'm not excusing poor behavior by any means!  We are all responsible for our actions, and all our actions have consequences.  It's just my heart that we show compassion and love to the birth parents we encounter.  What an amazing chance we have to impact not just the life of a child, but the life of an entire family.  Our care and concern for the birth parents could be a catalyst for them to break out of their unhealthy cycle.  What if I am the only one who looks at that birth mom and really sees her.  She is loved.  She is a cherished creation, perfectly and wonderfully made.  She has a heavenly Father just waiting on pins and needles for her to turn to Him.  Boy, when I think about it that way it makes me excited about birth parents!  I remember months after that nervous hospital meeting I wrote about earlier we were able to go to the first birthday party of that sweet little boy.  He had been happily living at home with his parents for several months and we were invited to his party!  After we'd been at the party for a while this family member pipes up with "I don't get it.  You guys are just so nice.  What's up with you?"  Ha!  Now I hadn't heard that one before!  Yet there we were in a room full of people we never would have met if we hadn't reached out to those birth parents.  We didn't just tolerate them because we had their son, we built a relationship with them.  They knew we loved them and we were able to truly impact them with the love of Jesus.  It was awesome.

I feel like I rambled tonight.  :)  If you take one thing away from this post, take this: please see the birth parents.  Really and truly see them.  Look past the immediate circumstances and see the cycle they are caught in.  Then look to see how Jesus sees them, and treat them accordingly.  Who knows?  You may be impacting an entire family for eternity.  

Word. 

Foster Care Ponderings: Part 2, Our Story

Years from now, when we're done fostering I know I'll be able to vividly remember the feelings that rush through me each time we leave a hospital with someone else's baby.

Excitement!  This is what we're made to do.  We're off on a big adventure.  This should be pretty fun.  We're helping a really bad situation get better.  Who doesn't love babies?

Sadness.  We've just left a hospital with someone else's baby.  That means there is a mommy and daddy somewhere nearby without THEIR baby.  That means we have a baby in our car who is being separated from the most important person/people in it's little life.  To that baby, to those parents, we are not heroes.  We are just strangers. 

Dread.  Let's be honest.  Taking care of babies is not easy.  I'm a nurse, so we take "medically fragile" babies.  That could mean a baby that is born addicted to drugs, it could mean a preemie who doesn't feed well.  It could mean a baby with a head injury...you get the picture.  I'll be perfectly transparent here and say I have often left a hospital with a baby, got in the car and thought "What have we done?  How are we going to do this?  We are gluttons for punishment."  Apparently dread isn't the emotion that wins out....because we keep on taking those babies!  :) 

Determination.  I'm excited by a challenge.  I like doing things that look difficult, and succeeding.  I like puzzles.  I like figuring out what makes a baby tick.  It's the competitor in me I guess.  "Gosh darn it I WILL get you to gain weight or I'll die trying!"  I like taking a broken, tiny, helpless baby and seeing him or her transform before our very eyes to a smiling, chubby, babbling little person.  There's no feeling like it.  I'm a fixer, Jed's a shepherd- so I tackle the practical, medical side of things and Jed provides the heavy dose of lovin' with a cherry on top.


When we got the call to take baby #1, who we'll call Baby Y, months earlier than we had planned and left the hospital with her we felt all of those emotions.  I remember sitting in the back seat of the car with her while Jed drove- just like we did with each of our biological kids.  I also remember she screamed the WHOLE WAY HOME.  Ha!  Any sense of heroism or romanticism flew out the window about 20 miles down the freeway. 


I've heard from many different foster parents that your first placement (foster child) is special.  I'll have to agree.  Baby Y holds a very special place in our hearts, as do each of our babes.  But there is just something extra special about your first.  We learned with Baby Y what it feels like to love a baby so much it hurts, and at the same time know deep down she belongs to someone else.  Her beautiful cheeks, her smell, everything about her will forever be imprinted in my mind.  She was our first love.   

That foster babe love is a hard thing to describe.  The number one line I've heard from others when they hear we're foster parents is "I could never do that.  I could never give them back.  That would be so hard."  Let me tell you something.  It IS so hard.  It is the hardest thing I've ever done in my life.  But that's what these babies, these children need.  They need someone who will love them till it hurts and keep on loving, all the while KNOWING that you have to give them back.  Are you kidding me?  Of course it hurts when they leave.  To me, at different times it has felt like a death.  Most of the time we know we will never see that child again.  Like Baby G, one of our boys.  We had him for the first 4 months of his life.  We picked him up straight from the hospital.  We swaddled him and walked him at night while he shook from withdrawals.  We were there to see his first smile, to give him his first "at-home" bath.  We were his world, and he was our sweet little boy, and then "poof" he was out of our lives and we've never heard about him again.  I know he will probably never know about us, but we will never forget him.  He is a part of our story forever.  So, yes, we mourn when they leave.  We cry, we talk, we cry some more.  We find a teeny stray sock in the wash and we cry some more.  We have pity parties and watch sad movies alone in the dark on the couch (okay, so yes, I did that once....not a moment I'm proud of...anyway....)  I always think somehow it should be easier because we always know it's coming.  But it's never easier, not if you've loved them right.  

But,

"I hold it true, whate'er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all."

 Alfred Lord Tennyson

     

Foster Care Ponderings: Part 1, Our Story

We decided to start a series here on Foster Care.  When we first became foster parents I tried to find stories of others who had gone before us and found the pickings were slim.  It seemed not many people were sharing their experiences, and boy I sure could have learned a lot from they had to say!  I know that fostering looks different for every family, in every state, but this is our story, our experience, and if it helps even one person along the fostering path than I think it's worth spilling my guts.  :)

Think back to spring break of 1993.  What were you doing?  I can tell you exactly what I was doing.  I was in Chihuahua. Mexico on my very first missions trip.  I was the youngest of the group, but just made the age deadline and there was no way I was going to miss that trip.  I honestly don't remember much about that that time, except the enormous amount of Noxzema I had to apply to my face to get all that mime make-up off my face.  (Oh Teen Mania!) I may not remember much in the way of specific encounters and experiences, but I do remember that it changed the course of my life.  I saw the world was bigger than my small town, and my worries over entering high school were nothing compared to the trials others around the world were surviving through every day.

 After that trip I was hooked.  I proceeded to go on missions every single summer through high school and then through college.  One thing you see a lot of when you do any kind of short-term missions, is orphans.  My heart broke for them.  I had forever dreamed of being a mommy anyway, so the plight of the orphan has always hit me right in the center of my gut.  I decided straight out of high school that I knew exactly what I was to do with my life.  I was to become a nurse so I could care for orphans.  BAM.  There you have it!  The goal was set, application was accepted for nursing school, and I was off to the races!

Fast forward a few years and I'm back in my home town working at the local hospital as an RN and married to the fabulous, amazing, unbeatable Jed.  Okay, I know it's Valentines Day and I may be gushing a bit, but seriously.  Jed is THE BEST.  If you haven't met him you'll just have to take my word for it, and if you do know him I dare you to argue with me.  :)

Jed and Havalah.  One of Jed's infamous self-portraits :)

 Anyway, it's 2004, Jed and I have been married for a bit and we both know our desire is to live overseas.  We both have a heart for orphans and we are just eagerly awaiting our chance to get the heck outta' dodge.  We wait....

and wait

 and wait.

We have two squeezable kiddos of our own and pray.  We look for the opportunity, we pray for God's will and no matter what we do we always get the same answer.  "Stay put".

"Huh??  What was that God?  I'm pretty sure we didn't hear you right because we really want to love on some orphans and we know you feel pretty strongly about them...so what's the holdup??"

Nope. That's a negative.  He definitely wanted us to stay put.  So sadly, we put our dreams about orphan care on the shelf until later.  Then I happened to have a chat with a friend at a party and I moaned and groaned to her about our hearts, and being stuck in the US.  She then piped up with the words that forever changed our lives.

"You know, foster kids are America's orphans.  Have you ever thought of fostering?"

What the???  Why no, we had not even considered that!  I mean no one else we knew fostered, it just didn't occur to us.  Here was one of our answer as to why God had us remain here in the States.  Not so we would just hang our dreams up on a shelf- no, the fulfillment of those dreams was just going to look a lot different than we had imagined.

We were about to embark on one of the most difficult and wonderful journeys of our lives; one that we are still on today, and one that I don't regret for a single second.

We contacted the State immediately, attended trainings, filled out massive amounts of paperwork, locked up any medications, picked up some fire extinguishers, installed smoke detectors, passed our home study- and lo and behold- we were foster parents!!  The process was long, but not excruciating.  Ezra, our second, was only 18 months old and we had told our certifier we weren't going to take any babies until he turned 2, so we figured we had some time to get things ready for whoever our "new arrival" would be.

We should have known not to get too comfy, because 2 weeks later I got a phone call from the state.  "We have a baby who was just born and is in the NICU.  We feel we definitely need a home with a nurse.  Are you really wanting to wait, or do you think you could take one a little early?"

Deep breath.  Oh boy.  Are we really doing this?  Heck yes we are!

Let the games begin!! 

 To be continued....


 P.S.  We plan to cover several different topics concerning foster care in the next couple of weeks, so if there is something in particular you are wondering about please feel free to leave a question in the comments or you can email us at johnson commune @ gmail dot com (no spaces).   

   

One Step Closer!

Yesterday we got some adoption news!  We hadn't heard any news in months.  I was starting to imagine our paperwork was actually lost in the abyss of the state offices.  We got word that we have an Adoption Coordinator assigned to our case now.  I have no idea what an Adoption Coordinator does, but hey, it's more news than I had last week...so I'll take it!  Supposedly once they process those forms everything moves really quickly.  I really really hope so!  

Here's a sneak peek of the cuteness.  He loves all things chicken.  The Little Red Hen, the real hens in our backyard, toy chickens, and yes- chicken as food. :)

 He decided his toys needed to take a swim...

We also have good news about our April trip!  We were finally able to make contact with a couple that we most wanted to meet with in country.  This is the couple who's work initially drew us to wanting to save up all our pennies to fly across the world.  From what I know about them it seems they are doing exactly the type of work that we are passionate about.  Even if we couldn't make contact with them we were still making plans to go and meet with others, and we were happy about that, but the blessing of being able to meet with these specific people just about triples our excitement about this trip.  WAHOOOOOOO!! 

I'm slowly, and steadily making a bit of progress on language learning.  OH MY WORD.  Why can't they speak Spanish where we're going????  My brain feels a bit foggy with doing Spanish studies with the kids in the morning for their class, then doing my language study in the afternoon...I just know when we get there I'm going to be thinking in Spanish...or Albanian.  Ha!  My in-laws live in Kosova, so they speak Albanian there.  It's not like I'm fabulous at Albanian (not even semi-fab), but you know how international travel goes,  your brain reverts to the last non-English language you learned.  But, it's not like we have a translator meeting us at the airport, so I better get my rear in gear!!  I've been pretty faithful in my studies since the new year started, so Lord, please bless my efforts....HELP!!!!   

On a less scary note, here's some cuteness to sum up January. 

Ez and Mommy had a date night

 

Our most awesome bunny was accidentally locked outside for the night.  Oh the drama!!  

We found him the next day, alive and well.  Now that was a miracle!

 

Mommy put the kids to work.

 

Ezra took this picture of Havalah.  She's going to love this one when she's older!!

Come on 2012!

I think it's pretty safe to say 2011 has been one of the best years of my life. I can't believe it's almost over!!  It's amazing to look back and remember what life was like just one year ago and how much has changed since then.  

Last year, at the beginning of 2011 we were in mourning. We had just been told that our 7 month old baby boy we had fostered since day 1 would not be able to become our son.  The state was going to be doing open recruitment to choose a family for him, but because of some policies that had just been changed we would not be eligible to apply to be his family.  He knew no one but us, hadn't seen his birth parents since leaving the hospital at 2 days old, we were his parents.  We were being told a big fat NO.  

BUT.....

Praise the Lord we have a rockin' case worker and our boy has an amazing lawyer who stood up and shouted that this was not right.  They fought for our boy and for our family.  Now, at the beginning of 2012 we are simply waiting on some final paperwork to be processed and he will be ours.  He will officially and legally be our son.  Oh how I long for that day.  They tell us it will be soon!!!  God truly moved mountains to give us our son.  (Soon we can show pictures of him too! He's quite the cutie)  :)

At the beginning of 2011 we were halfway into our first year as a homeschooling family.  We were questioning if we were doing the right thing, we were insecure, we were struggling with math.  :)  Now, at the beginning of 2012 we are comfy in our homeschooling shoes.  That's definitely not to say I think we've got it figured out or that I'm an old pro now, but I can say we know we are doing the right thing for our family and we are thankful for that security.  Our days are full- full of diapers, interruptions, spilled milk (really!), melt-downs, overflowing laundry baskets, and potty training disasters.

BUT....

They are also full of giggles and snuggles on the couch with the latest read-aloud we just can't put down.  They are full of math breakthroughs, library books, ballet in the living room, and sweet Bible times with our single candle lit on the kitchen table.  I wouldn't trade it for the world.  I thank God for the blessing it has been to our family.

At the beginning of 2011 I was a passive observer in my life with Christ.  I had become cynical and bored with my faith.  Oh I have never stopped loving Jesus.  He and I had some sweet moments together, but they were few and far between- and I know the fault in that lies completely with me.  I had given up on dreams and passions that He had given me, created me for.  I was faithful in my actions, as far as serving the Body, yet my heart was far away.  

BUT...

My God pursued me with reckless abandon.  He chased me down and He would not let me go.  He spoke to me in a small whisper at first.  That whisper grabbed my attention.  I picture Jesus like one of my kids who is so stinkin' excited to show me something new, something they have created.  "Come here!  Look over here!  Look what I'm doing!!!!"  Yep, once Jesus had my attention He took me by the hand and said "Look!  I'm doing a new thing, and guess what?  You get to be a part of it!!  Follow me."   Jed and I never would have thought last year at this time we'd be trying to learn a new language in preparation for a trip to a country in Eastern Europe.  I never even really thought about that country and we had NO idea about all the precious lives lying in wait there.  There was a whole community of people fighting for those precious lives and we had no clue about any of it! 

I'm telling you what, Jesus changed my life in 2011 and I will never ever be the same.  My Jed has been amazing through it all.  He led our family and sought the Lord when I was uninterested.  He prayed for me and he loved me and I can never thank him enough for leading our family so faithfully.  Now God is calling Jed and I and our family to a great adventure.  Something big is about to happen.  YEEEEEEEHAW!!!!!

In 2011 God gave us our son.  He gave us vision.  He renewed our  passion.  He changed our lives.  He set us on a course and we can't wait to see where it leads.  

Come on 2012! 

My Uncle

Heaven gained an amazing man this weekend.  

My Uncle Gary went to be with Jesus- our loss, Heaven's gain.

My mom and her brothers and sister.  Uncle Gary is on the right.

He wasn't one anyone thought would be gone so soon.  He was just at my house for dinner a couple weeks ago, not feeling so hot, but making jokes, eating with us, sharing life with us. I'm so happy he came. :)

Now he's with Jesus. 

When he was in the ICU this past week I prayed for Jesus to heal him, but most of all I prayed that God would have His way and He would be glorified.  Jesus chose to let Uncle Gary come home to Heaven as we all gathered around his bedside.  

As a child I don't remember having much of a relationship with my uncle.  He was kind of a big bear and I think I was a little afraid of him.  Ha!  Then I grew up, went away to college and only saw him at holidays.  I wasn't afraid of him anymore, but we didn't have much to talk about.  Then he got married, I got married, he moved to Ohio, and there were Christmas cards, but no real relationship.  I didn't really KNOW him.  His likes, his dislikes, what made him laugh, if he had a sense of humor.  He was just Uncle Gary, a family member I loved but took for granted.

Then Abby was born.  My Uncle Gary's granddaughter was born with many health problems.  His daughter, my cousin, would need help caring for her baby.  He flew out to Ohio to comfort his daughter, to watch over his Abby as she lay, tiny as a doll in the NICU.  Sick babies, NICU's, talks of foster care- now I had something to talk with my uncle about!  This was my comfort zone.  Now we had some common ground.

Would we take Abby for a while?  Would we care for her until she was stable enough to move to Ohio to be with him?  You don't have to ask twice.  We are family!

I knew my uncle then.  He didn't bat an eye.  Of course this was his baby.  Of course he was not just Grandpa- he was daddy.

We fostered Abby for 4 months.  That was a hard four months in our lives.  Havalah was a newborn, I had two preschoolers, and now this teeny tiny babe.  Uncle Gary called often.  My Aunt Linda called.  He texted.  He worried about his baby from afar.  He and his AMAZING wife Linda prepared for her arrival.  

Havalah and Abby- my sweet babies

In June 2009 Havalah and I took Abby, along with her mommy, to live with Gary and Linda.  Now I knew my uncle.  Through those 4 months I had learned his likes, his dislikes.  I had learned what made him laugh and just how much he could make me laugh.  I learned that he was not just a bear, but a big sweet gentle teddy bear with a heart of gold.  I learned how much he loves football and how much he despises the Oregon Ducks (and rightly so!).  :)  We had bonded.  We had traveled a road together.  We had fought for this baby together and now she was home.  

When Abby was born with so many problems I know we all struggled with the "why?".  We wondered God's plan in it all.  Although I never ever regretted it, I know I wondered at times why God had us caring for her when I still had my own newborn to care for.  Now I look back and I see His plan at work.  I see how Abby lit up Gary's life.  I see how she brought our family together.  I see how she gave me a friendship, love and respect for my uncle.  A lot was gained by that little life coming into the world- and that's just my gains!  I'm sad he's gone now, but so extremely thankful God made a way for me to know him before it was too late.

We all are wondering why Gary is gone from us so soon, but I am confident in the Lord and in His ultimate plan.  He works all things for good.

I love you Uncle Gary, and I am so thankful for our time we had together.  Have fun breathing deeply and dancin' with Jesus.  :)

 

I Love November

November is National Adoption Month and Orphan Awareness Month.  Jed and I have been hard at work preparing a presentation for our church.  I am so stinkin' excited to share with our body what we are most passionate about.  For our presentation we've been filming people from our church who have either been adopted, adopted a child themselves, fostered children, or somehow are actively doing orphan care.  It has been awesome.

I think sometimes when us passionate-about-orphans people get to really thinking about all the fatherless out there, all the babies without mama's, all the boys without daddies, it can get extremely overwhelming.  God, why aren't people doing more?  Don't they even care?  I sometimes feel alone in my passion.  I think about the fatherless every single day.  I pray for the orphaned ones every single day.  I look into the face of my baby and wonder what his life would have been like had he been born in a different country.  Would he have been abandoned?  Would he be languishing in an orphanage with no one to hold him when he cries?  Most likely.  It's too much.

Then I lift my head up and I look around.  I start thinking of ones I know who I can get on film from our church.  I think of name after name of those who have answered the cry.  

Phil and Kathy- fostered over 30 teenage girls and adopted their daughter through foster care.
Tim and Rosa- running an orphanage in Asia for disabled children.
Debbi- adopted as a child and so thankful to share how she was rescued by her parents.
Sam and Angie- some of our very best friends who are in Bulgaria RIGHT NOW! visiting with their children they are adopting.

Yes, the need is great.
Yes, many ignore the need.
Yes, the church needs to rise up.

But,
Many are answering the cries.
Many are not ignoring the need.
Many are rising up.

I know God is on the move and He WILL NOT forget His children.
And I am encouraged.

 I will not leave you as orphans, I will come to you.  John 14:18

One Step Closer

Today I had my physical for our foster care adoption of Baby S.  That was the last bit that we had to do and now his file can go to Central Office for processing!  Woohoo! 

My baby is growing and changing every day.  He was born addicted to drugs, but today he is a smiling, crawling, pointing, babbling, one year old who lights up our lives.  I don't know if we will foster again, but I do know that he was our greatest reward for fostering.  We have had a lot of hard times in our last four years involved in foster care.  It has been one of the hardest and best things we have ever done.  Baby S is our prize :)  We are blessed beyond words. 

On an "international note", we had some doubts this past month, but have decided to continue with our international adoption homestudy.  We took some time to pray, wait on God, grieve, and listen.  God has not told us to stop, so we will continue to move.  The country we feel He is calling us to is closing adoptions for the next three months, so in the meantime we'll do whatever we can do on our end to get ready for their re-open.  Bring on the paperwork!  It has been such a huge blessing to see the little one we originally committed to meeting his mommy and daddy for the first time.  I won't lie, at first it made me cry.  I had so hoped to be his mommy and to have that meeting.  I dreamed of it.  But, helloooooo????  This is so not about me!!! Ha!  God is amazing.  He knew this precious one needed out of his country before the adoption closure.  As always, His ways are so much higher than our ways.  I'm thankful for that.