Pardon the stream of consciousness blogging, but the main purpose of this blog is to document the journey, and sometimes I just have to spit out my thoughts as they come so I can look back and remember.
So, back in September we sold most of our worldly possessions. Then in October we moved in with Luke. Then came the Holidays. Then came emergency surgery for me. Then came now.
With the emergency surgery came loss. We lost our little baby that day. I wasn't going to blog about it, but it's all part of the journey, and I know someday we'll look back and see God's hand in it, so I guess I feel like it's important to say a little something about it here. God's grace and His hand have covered us so completely the last couple of weeks as we've grieved the loss of our baby. We still grieve, and I know that road may be long, but I don't doubt His great love for us. I don't doubt His plans for our family- every member of our family- even the precious one in heaven. I don't doubt the the promises He made and I know He will complete the work He started.
Wonderful friends brought us meals the past week and a half as I recovered from the surgery. One friend from church shared pizza and some beautiful words of encouragement. She said that God is going to fill the empty space in our hearts with a dream.
It's already happening. I'm dreaming about Ukraine. My heart is broken anew for the little ones who waste away. I grieve for their lost childhoods. I ask Jesus to linger at their bedside and speak tenderly to them as they sleep. I pray for great change to come in Ukraine- hearts to soften, more believers to rise up, greater faith. My heart is broken for my baby, but in that brokenness God is reminding me of what else breaks His heart. He's filling up the empty space with His dreams.
I know the enemy would have loved to use our great loss to derail us. No way. Not happening. My heart aches for my baby, but my spirit aches for Jesus. Wherever He is going- that's where I want to be. In my human mind I don't see how anything good could come from our loss, but in my spirit I know better. I have to trust that He sees and He knows. I see how He has perfectly orchestrated His plans to bring us to this place. He has prepared Jed and I for this since we were children. Our baby has never been beyond His grasp. This was not an "oops" in the heavenlies.
Passion is rising, hope is rising. The pain is there- sometimes so strong it feels suffocating, but hope still rises. I refuse to be derailed. I choose to be changed by this and my heart to be molded by this. As one friend encouraged, I'm "riding the wave". I'm not muscling my way through the grief, but riding the wave. Trying to rest my soul and mind, doing my best to let God minister to me in the way He knows I need it.
I'm looking forward to the day when I can look back at this and see how He carried us through.
He truly is good. He truly is loving.
He's got our baby, and heaven looks brighter to me because of it.